Creative Living
Mantra: What’s Your Thought Form?
I have this humongous Synonym Finder that I’ve had since my sophomore year in High School and keep handy, because looking up words and all the many different ways to say things fascinates me. The next best thing to that is Google, Wikipedia and Merriam-Webster online. I also love the book Sin and Syntax, and perusing books by Karen Elizabeth Gordon. (Feel free to share you favorite resources in a comment!).
So, I found myself hanging out on my bed with my friends, Synonym Finder, Laptop and my All Things Convivial notebook and I started thinking about the word Mantra. The following post evolved because of that thought…
MANTRA: is a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that are considered capable of “creating transformation”; a translation of the human will or desire; an expression of “Being”; “Thought forms.”
Here are my thoughts in word, sound and symbol form (as well as a brief history behind how they came about for me):
Word: Convivial
The year is 2001 and ‘m watching Barbara Walters interview the cast of the movie, Ocean’s Eleven. Leading lady, Julia Roberts is surrounded by Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Don Cheadle. Along these lines, Barbara asks her, “So how was your experience making the movie with all these great guys?” Julia purses her lips as we all know her to do and says, “Convivial.” Like a gust of wind to the depths of my soul, I was overtaken by the sound of this word. Never forgot it. As you can tell.
Mantra: Know Your Power. Live Your Life.
Sitting in my kitchen with my dear friend, Nina thinking of a tag line for my soon-to-be site, Convivial Society. What do I want to say? What is my message? Those were the questions to kick off our brainstorming session. Nina wrote while I threw out words and phrases, scratching this and that off the list…then…it hit me…and she smiled and wrote it down. That was it. No doubt about it.
Symbol:
While working to create the logo for this site, I provided these details to the designer for logo creation:
Need a logo designed for woman’s website that will focus on empowering and connecting women in age group 20-40’s who want to learn from and share their experience with like-minded women who are ambitious, original, caring, energetic, positive, fun-loving, and seeking the guidance,resources and relationships to live a convivial life.
(Wanted designer to get a feel for me, since I am my target market, so I said the following…)
Intuitive, insightful, thoughtful, lover of the written word, creative, writer, diligent, vigilant, persevering spirit, embrace strength, humility and vulnerability ; love the words equanimity, rhapsody, sexuality, harmony, bossy…and lovely.
…
Convivial times, indeed.
When you imagine your thoughts in “form”. What do they look like? Sound like? Feel like?
TweetRethinking The Word: Commit
Once upon a time, I had a Sacred Sexy session with Lisa Carmen and we decided to embark upon a little something called a “blog challenge” to see if it would encourage us to be more disciplined with our writing. But I soon realized that
Writing to have a presence is not the answer
We came to the understanding that blogging every day for a set number of days wasn’t the lesson to be learned. We found comfort in knowing that it was okay not to fulfill this commitment, because this commitment was not fulfilling us.
Deep down, I felt putting words on the screen just for sake of putting words on the screen didn’t feel right. Gotta love the genius Seth Godin for enlightening me when he said it is my duty to find words for my readers, not readers for my words.
The words I choose must come from a place that is natural, wild, convivial, and sometimes, undisciplined. And I’ll add that the timing can be unpredictable for such results. The way I see it…
It’s better for me to view my commitment to writing as this:
to write when I feel like it, when I am moved to do so, when I am called to pick up the pen, or ecstatic to share something, and compelled to transform emotion to the paper. Simply, do and write what feels right.
Art/Emotion/Communicating/Feeling- all synonymous words when it comes to the art of convivial living, I’d say.
Many times, we get bogged down with keeping commitments that aren’t serving us. We feel the resistance within, yet we ignore it, because it’s what we’ve been conditioned to do- ignore the gift of feeling and go with logic. The body is your guide and won’t steer you wrong.
Artists inspire other artists, no doubt, so here’s my way of letting go of anything that doesn’t bring me joy, doesn’t inspire me to be fully present with my words.
Here’s a great parting statement to bid farewell to my blog challenge, or any commitment that isn’t honoring you. The words of the unforgettable Anais Nin…
“One word I would banish from the dictionary is ‘escape.’ Just banish that and you’ll be fine. Because that word has been misused regarding anybody who wanted to move away from a certain spot and wanted to grow. He was an escapist. You know if you forget that word you will have a much easier time. Also, you’re in the prime, the beginning of your life; you should experiment with everything, try everything…
We have created false dichotomies; we create false ambivalences, and very painful ones sometimes- the feeling that we have to choose. But I think at one point, we finally realize, sometimes subconsciously, whether or not we are really fitted for what we try and if it’s what we want to do.
You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too. No, I think there was too rigid a pattern. You came out of an education and are supposed to know your vocation. Your vocation is fixed, and maybe ten years later you find you are not a teacher anymore or you’re not a painter anymore. It may happen. It has happened. I mean Gauguin decided at a certain point he wasn’t a banker anymore; he was a painter. And so he walked away from banking.
I think we have a right to change course. But society is the one that keeps demanding that we fit in and not disturb things…“
-Anais Nin
…
How do you feel about letting go of commitments that aren’t serving you? Do you always seem to be taking on too much, giving too much (is that really possibly a bad thing?)? What changes can you make right now to put your attention where it needs to be?
Be brave enough to go first,
Create. Embrace. Enjoy. Space.
On September 14th, Bindu Wiles launched The Shed Project, 8 Weeks of Losing It / An Adventure in Letting Go. Here is a woman who has created a space for anyone to join her in shedding anything from material possessions to love handles to burdening thought patterns. What an adventure to embark on!
I am someone who has usually found some ease in letting go- I repeat, some ease, because somehow I knew and felt there was something or someone on the other side, reaching for my hand, patiently waiting for me to grab onto it.
Space…it’s something I’ve always been very comfortable with and enjoyed. The first time I recall my ability to let go of what was to embrace what would be was the summer of ’93 when my friends and neighbors in Chicago, The Delira family, announced they would move back to their hometown of Aguascalientes in Mexico. I was about to lose five friends all at the same time.
They were my everyday go-to crowd. Our time together consisted of making cotton candy while dancing to Madonna’s Like A Virgin song, creating fake money out of grocery store ads when our monopoly money ran out from long intervals of playing, reenacting entire movie scenes from Mermaids (I played Winona Ryder), rollerblading through Lincoln Park to Chicago’s Boardwalk and back, and cruising the streets of Chicago singing Cathy Dennis’ song, Too Many Walls. We thought the world was all ours and it truly was in every one of those moments.
When they said they were moving away, I don’t remember taking the news hard. I simply accepted the direction life was taking us. When they left, I remember being alone. Still…I managed my way through it all. I knew I would see them again…someday and trusted the time and new space that surrounded me would bring me comfort and new people and experiences would enter my life. Eventually, they did and a new phase of life began.
In 1995, it was my family’s turn to pack up. I’d been away for nearly 6 weeks during my summer break working at a camp in Orr, Minnesota when I got a call from my mother letting me know as soon as I returned, our family would plan to move back to Texas. I had grown up in Chicago’s inner city, spent the most crucial years of my upbringing there, years that shaped me as a person, was almost finished with high school, and had all of my friends there, but the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “Can we PLEASE go to Austin?” I was ready to go. It was just my nature to accept and embrace the new.
I’ll always remember one of my last nights before moving. I was with two close friends and we were huddled together, arm in arm, swaying back and forth listening to Boyz II Men’s song It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye. We were being overly dramatic and trying to make ourselves cry but we laughed more than anything. I thought I would really start crying or feel depressed when it was time to go, but it didn’t happen. I was ready to move forward and it didn’t mean that I didn’t care enough for my friends. I trusted the friendships would survive the change and that I would do my part to nurture them. Fifteen years later, they are still in my life and we’re as close as can be. One of them even served as my labor coach when I had my first son. She saw my vagina and e’erthing. Yup, she’s still my friend.
Shedding a new skin is hard to do, but I’m always reassured that taking this action is necessary and good for me. It’s another way of expressing my personal evolution and there’s no need to fear what results from it. So, I continue the ritual today with The Shed Project.
It’s a regular habit of mine to get rid of stuff around my house, thus making way for new things to enter, but after reading The Law of The Ugly Chair by Danielle LaPorte, I am reminded to be even more conscious of what I consider sacred to me and give it the space it deserves.
I’m thrilled that Bindu has asked me to guest write a post for The Shed Project and can’t wait to share it with you all so when the post is up, I’ll definitely let you know! My hope is to inspire you to embark on your own journey of shedding your skin for one that better suits your spirit. If you’re intrigued to learn more or ready to join the shedventure, check out Bindu’s launch video and sign up!
TweetLife Is Movement. Pace Yourself.
Life is Movement. Accept this confrontation. Move ahead. Don’t be scared by the challenges of life, because life is fully worth living. -Paulo Coehlo
These are the words of wisdom and truth that Paulo Coehlo shares in this video and they especially speak to me at this point in time, because I am always about movement, always ready to adapt and accept change, but lately, I’ve been feeling like I can’t keep up and need to cut back. Feeling out of breath, looking every which way, spreading myself too thin, easily frustrated, not able to focus, being hard on myself, and it has definitely taken its toll on me physically since all last week I was under the weather. It’s all because change is on the horizon.
And now a blog challenge! Yes, I’m still hanging in there. Taking on the idea of writing and posting something every day is conjuring up memories of the summer I came down from Chicago to stay with my family in Abilene, Texas.
The year was 1993 and I was 12 going on 13 years old, but acted as if I was mature enough to get into the local boot scootin’ bar called none other than Boot Scooters. I remember my aunt telling me, “Cheryl, you’re too direct. Boys aren’t gonna like that.” The hell they haven’t liked it! It’s worked like a charm.
That was the summer Green Day made their debut on MTV and I couldn’t get enough. Pearl Jam introduced us to Jeremy and I fell in love with Eddie Veder. My summer consisted of babysitting my three cousins, swimming, flirting with a boy named Fonzie, making rice crispy treats for that boy Fonzie, shopping with babysitting money, wishing Fonzie would kiss me as November Rain played in the background on MTV, meeting Reese Witherspoon onscreen for the first time and kissing my hand like her sister did in Man in the Moon, having deep conversations with my 29 year old aunt, and chronicling all of it in my five subject notebook diary. I needed the space and certainly filled it!
I wrote in my first diary at age 9 and by this summer had reached a point where I had to write every single day (emphasis on “single”). When I was having too much fun on my summer break and didn’t write about it, I found myself stressing and thinking, “Oh my gosh! I’m three days behind on writing!” I guess in looking back, if I didn’t document it, it was as if it had never happened.
But of course that wasn’t true. It just proves how dedicated I was to writing. It was my thing, my must-do…besides devouring endless hours of MTV and oreo cookies while my cousins took their naps.
Today, I am a wife, mother of two boys, an entrepreneurial mama, a passionate friend, wine drinker (petite syrah baby), occasional social butterfly, convivial life strategist, and ultimately, a writer.
Hmm…subconscious part of me speaking when I leave writer for the end! It’s just an example of the reality that many times, life takes over and I just need to go with it and when the universe conspires in my favor as far as quiet time is concerned, then you’d better believe, I’m gonna write about it.
Tweet
A SacredSexyConvivial Challenge
Last week, I had yet another amazing coaching session with Lisa Carmen of www.sacredsexyu.com. I’m already two months into coaching with the sexy femme fatale and I can definitely feel the changes happening within and around me. (Note: That means my heart is leading me in everything I am doing.)
In our last session, Lisa asked me to join her in a 31 Day Blog Challenge to post sacred sexy and convivial brain gems on our sites every day. I agreed to the challenge! Let me tell you, posting every day is a definite challenge to this mom of two boys, but it boils down to managing my time and being disciplined. Oh and minimizing distractions! Yeah, that’s huge. I work at it every day ya’ll. (Channeling Paula Deen here…)
I’ve been feeling under the weather for the past few days, so Lisa’s got the lead on posts! She’s already written such posts about Extreme Irregularity (wink wink), Coming A Long Way,, and “Backing Away from Backing Away” while I’ve managed to share a precious precious photo of a sculpture by Constantine Brancusi called “The Kiss”! Woo! You loved it, right? Okay! So the game is on and I am signing off now to get more written.
I promise to give my best effort and share lots of juicy knowledge and info with you, so be sure to sign up for to my RSS feed to stay on the sidelines and cheer me on with your comments! You can also love me long time and show your support for me on facebookand twitter!
Cheers to what’s ahead!
TweetXO Hugs and Kisses XO
Recently, I spent a family day at The Nasher Sculpture Center located in downtown Dallas with my husband and two sons and snapped this photo. I didn’t catch the name of the artist or of the sculpture, so forgive that missing detail, but this rock-turned-work of art speaks volumes of what we crave in our lives every day- love, comfort, compassion, acceptance, understanding, and refuge. The fact that an image so simple can pull on the human eye and tug at the heart is undeniable proof of this truth.
You can see the reflection of my husband carrying our firstborn son in the glass as we all looked on in admiration of this beautiful yet simple piece. My hubby wants to create a replica of this image in our own backyard and I don’t doubt his ability to do so. We’re all artists in our own unique way– it just takes encouragement and belief in oneself. I’m curious to know what materials my husband will use to construct his piece, but we shall see. Once the project is complete, I’ll be sure to share a photo of it with you.
Hugs and kisses to the artist in you.
TweetComplimentary Gift For You!
An open invitation to any woman who wants to know her power, act more confidently, and live more convivially…
FREE INSPIRATIONAL DOWNLOAD FOR YOU!
Last year on my 30th birthday, I was inspired to be the giver vs. receiver of gifts. Such an act of pure selflessness gave me a great sense of what it means to be convivial and has served as a lasting memory for me and those who celebrated with me.
I’ve decided to make it a yearly ritual and this year’s birthday present has your name on it!
I’m deeply grateful for all the support and love you have shown Convivial Society, so here’s some love right back at ya!
Download your FREE COPY of
THE CONVIVIAL WOMAN: A Declaration Of Who You Are (more…)
The Definitive Regal Chic Brunch
Recently, I was inspired to put on the ritz in the form of a Regal Chic brunch for my girlfriends. There was no exceptional reason for the occasion other than my desire to spoil the women in my life and give them an experience they wouldn’t forget. How many women want to be spoiled? Raising my hand! But, how often do women spoil each other? It’s all about letting love get the best of us and spreading the joy. I gave my friends one month’s notice to mark their calendars for the event; told them to save the date and gave no inkling of what to expect. Little by little, a vision for the event began to reveal itself to me and with each new inspiring thought, I took to the stores and prepared for the big day. Initially, it was suppose to be a convivial day spent with just my friends, but then the whole life coaching with Lisa Carmen came about, and I began to think about challenging myself in ways I hadn’t before, so I chose to treat the brunch as a mini-workshop. It was an opportunity to take my efforts to empower and inspire women offline and stand before them in person. I was nervous about what I would do, what I would say, how the whole presentation aspect of the event would flow, but I decided to take the risk, to face any fears that might surface and put myself out there in a new way. It was time to take the stage.
When the day came and all was set to go, I felt my power coming through for me like a dear friend. I was no longer worried about what could go wrong or what I could miss saying to get my desired message across, and I especially wasn’t listening to the voice within saying, Who do you think you are doing this…What gives you the right to stand before a group of women and want to empower them…You don’t have anything valid to say…blah blah blah. I decided to let my heart lead the way and surrendered my desire for complete control. What a relief it was to be a follower! I felt such confidence as everything slowly came together. My guests began to show up and wanted to offer a helping hand, but I smiled and said, “I’ve got it covered. Just enjoy yourself today.” It felt wonderful to serve others, to offer all the love in me without any conditions, any expectations of getting payback.
When all was said and done, the event was a hit! I allowed the weight of the world to fall off my shoulders, thus creating a similar atmosphere for the women in my company. We had entered into a Convivial Society and anything was possible. I saw joy, expressions of pure elation, witnessed the little girl in every woman playing and giggling as they participated in the meal and activities. I felt light on my feet, formless, as if only my spirit walked around overseeing the event. I believe that’s what truly happened. My mother was my right-hand woman in bringing it all to fruition and I couldn’t have thought of anyone better to choose as my partner. By taking on the challenge to stand before friends as The Convivial Woman, I had stepped into a new realm. I had taken the idea of a Convivial Society and turned it into a real place, a real moment, for real women. I can only move forward from this point on and the ideas for more events are making their way to the forefront of my mind’s eye. Creation…it’s quite the beauty to experience. Fear or no fear, I’m wide awake and behind this wheel now…there’s no turning back.
Feast your eyes on the brunch pictures by clicking directly on the album below.
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| The Definitive Regal Chic Brunch |
In Silence: All You Want, All You’ve Ever Wanted
I began the weekend by focusing on my home to clean and clear space for all that I want the next week, month and year to bring. After shaking my tail to Lady Gaga while wiping down the kitchen counter, I switched to my Bebe Pandora station and heard the song Pa Mi Casa (To My House) for the first time. After just a few lyrics,
I stopped everything I was doing and raced to write down a few lines from the song, but then more lyrics kept coming and I couldn’t help how they were making me feel, so I decided the song needed to go down in convivial history as yet another must-share moment. Hence today’s post. The more I listened to the musical message, the more I found my discovery of the song and Bindu Wiles’ newly announced community project, The Shed Project, to be perfectly timed. It was a superior example of synchronicity in action.
If you’re in process of embarking on a new journey and letting go of all you know, whether in the grandest or smallest of ways, I invite you to listen to Bebe’s song and ponder her words, THEN read all about Bindu’s plan to let herself go for ten straight months!
Note: Is Spanish not your native tongue? Mine neither (it’s my second), so I’ve offered up my best translation of the song lyrics below.
Pa Mi Casa / To My Home
Now I return to my house
I say goodbye to you for the time being
‘cause I feel like being the girl
who at many times no one believed.
You have to look within
for if the river is running dry
know that below the earth
an ocean travels.
The prairies of my land
Meet with the sky
And that is where I rest
And look for my memories.
There are those who prefer bigger things
for me, I prefer the small
The distance helps you to look
with much less fear
I want to return to closing my eyes
to see what I want
I have no fear of the time passing
but that it passes and memories will be lost
In silence
In silence
There is all that I want, all that I’ve ever wanted
We accumulate so much
And breathe much less
Each day the air is less pure
And every day that passes I continue missing you.
Go wherever you may go
I’d even die for you
For the prairies of my land
Meet with the sky
And that is where I rest
And look for my memories.
In silence
In silence
There is all I want, all I’ve ever wanted
There is all I want, all I’ve ever wanted.
Spanish Lyrics here.
photo courtesy of www.centraluno.com
Convivial Cameo: White Hot Interview with Danielle LaPorte
Coming to the stage is my one and only white hot love Danielle LaPorte, creator of the site White Hot Truth. Danielle hails from Vancouver, BC (ehhh) and is one bad mama rocking her business and inspiring legions of other women and men to do the same. Danielle is no one-trick pony. She’s a strategic and intuitive business advisor, fiery and inspirational speaker, creator of one of the coolest note card lines on the web, and mama writer and design mastermind behind the recently launched and amazingly successful Fire Starter Sessions: A Digital Experience for Entrepreneurs.
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I’d say her Fire Starter Sessions book is one of the most innovative and brilliant contributions to the online business world yet and its no wonder she’s experienced such acclaim and success thus far. I had the pleasure of meeting Danielle at her Fire Starter Session in Austin, Texas last September and experienced the presence of a woman standing in her current power, setting the stage for truth and authenticity. As an entrepreneurial writer mama who wants to rock her creative bottom line as well, I’m all over anyone who can dish some damn good wisdom and be straight up real with me when I need it most. Danielle is of that divine feminine tribe and I’m dancing and chanting words of wisdom alongside her, always wanting more to fuel the convivial flame that burns within me. As part of my intention and desire to keep the circle of influence and power burning bright from one convivial woman to another, I’m here to let you know Danielle speaks to me…deeply, and now, literally. I hope she strikes a cord within you too. It’s all about passing the torch, baby. Enjoy the interview!
The idea behind Convivial Society is “Know Your Power. Live Your Life.”
When did you become fully aware of your power? What has it taken for you to reach that breakthrough point?
I’ve always been aware of my energy, a fire in my heart…my love and intellect. But it’s been the stretches of life that have shown me its full flavour. I forget who said this: “People are like tea bags, you don’t know how strong they are until they’re in hot water.” It’s been the hot water of business divorce, juggling a wonderful kid with a fabulous career, romantic heart break…you know, the big passages that have shown me my power. And I know it when I see it because it’s gentle and generous.
In what ways do you see women giving up their power and how do you keep yours burning white hot?
We keep our mouths shut. We let logic eclipse emotion. We apologize for wanting what we want the most. Of course, none of this is women-specific, but we do have a knack for getting in the back seat.
How do I keep my fire burning? I treat my home like it’s a temple. I eat a lot of spinach. I hang out with really solid, happy people who are interested in really living. I have a great Buddhist shrink whose main tool is compassion. I don’t apologize for what I want. I get off on being generous. I make time for pedicures.
As you’ve said, “Everything is progress,” and “I wish I would’ve had someone to tell me what the fuck to do,” so how does a woman who knows her power steer the wheel when she doesn’t always know the way?
Just keep driving. You can’t really know where you’re going, but you can be wide awake at the wheel and fuel up when you need to.
As hot as you are, how do you tame those wild things called “Vices” and “Distractions” to stay a glow over the beds of hot coal you consistently walk?
What are vices?
The evolution of a woman’s body is a tricky and sensitive thing. When time between bike rides lapses, how does the voice whispering to your heavenly body sound? What does she say when things don’t all feel so put together anymore? Or when you’ve had one too many (fill in the blank)?
Too many…squares of milk chocolate…or late nights…or days without moving.
This is a big one for me. I spent most of my life in my head, and thanks to a good metabolism, that worked out okay.
My bod’ is my new frontier, the next power source for me to FINALLY plug into. And I’m doing it and loving it.
Yoga, dancing, breathwork. New world of gratitude. I’m going to be one of those conversion stories.
You give much praise to the book The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp. What’s your everyday creative habit/ritual that keeps the flow coming so often? What other books concerning women and creative, convivial living have a permanent place on your bookshelves?
My creative habits: write freehand (not on the computer); pay attention to the first thoughts I have in the morning; rock out – music is my elixir.
Books: Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes is a MASTERPIECE and every woman should read it three times. I think The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron is a classic for good reason. And most everything Pema Chodron has put out has an amazing clarity to it.
So many women play small at times for the sake of others. Would you say you’ve mastered your height and when you feel yourself shrinking within, how do you combat that?
I still shrink. First thing I do is NOT condemn myself for shrinking. I try to be incredibly friendly with the part of me that shrank. And then I can hear what that part needs to say. And what a gift that is.
I’ve also learned to sleep on it when I feel some shrink action about to happen. Be still. Stand tall(er) tomorrow.
What are you willing to go to the ends of the earth to tell your fellow woman about money, the company she keeps, and rocking her talents?
I’m not really willing to go to the ends of the earth to tell people anything. I used to want to be a Messiah, now I’m more interested in being a reporter/Priestess. But I get the spirit of the question… What I want to say is this: You know. You know what you want and who you are. You. Know.
Mmm…Mmm…Mmm…Convivial.
If you liked it and want some more of it, check out
and order your copy here.
Ever yours,
Cheryl Chavarria
TweetDon’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough
Freewriting Episode 1: Life Coaching Escapades
As of July 8th, I began work with life coach, Lisa Carmen of the site SacredSexyU.com. I don’t believe Lisa has crossed my path by accident. The day her and I met, she asked me some unexpected questions that tapped into my psyche and caused a commotion of emotions within me. It was then that I knew she had a gift and I needed it. People always talk talk talk about what they need to change, but don’t take any action to do so. Well, I’m people and I want to change, so I let Lisa know I was interested in her work. That can go either way, depending on how full of shit I am. She wrote me back an email that was full of excitement and anticipation and said, “I would LOVE to work with you! When?”
Ooh…specifics…getting to the nitty gritty…a concrete commitment. I could have chickened out and made up tons of excuses, but something in me reached out to her and something else in me said the time to woman up and take action was upon me, as in NOW. I want to get down to the bottom of why I do certain things I do and I want to improve on what I think is hindering me from being 100% convivial. So just as the day I lost my virginity went, I said, “Let’s do this!” Proof, that even today, I’m still trying to experience my nature. Life coaching with a burlesque dancer is the latest way for me to go about it. I want to share this whole experience, be as open about it as I can (and let me say, that is not an easy for me) but the time has come. This is where I’m at right now in the journey, so bear with me if it’s not all complete or the thoughts don’t seem organized.
Lisa’s asking me some challenging questions (this is a great thing!) and I’m feeling lots of emotions swirl around within me and it can feel frustrating when I don’t know why I am feeling a certain way – like all this impatience I have been experiencing this week, but I know it’s all a work in process like me. I’m going to get to the point of change I seek. I know it. The coaching will last for 3 months which breaks down to two personal sessions a month, and in between we’ll spend time online or on the phone talking about what’s happening with me as I work through some unfavorable idiosyncrasies I’m known for, don’t really understand myself, and want to overcome.
Here’s one peculiarity I’m calling out from the shadows: My discomfort with being celebrated. This is not ironic timing since my birthday is in one month. Can you believe it? Me, The Convivial Woman, feels funny about being celebrated. Haha funny joke there. No, really. I feel strange being the center of attention.
I recently saw New Moon and in the beginning, Bella receives an unwrapped gift from her father and is getting occasional birthday wishes from her friends at school and she’s trying to quiet them and go incognito as the birthday girl. Edward finally asks her, “Why don’t you want people to know it’s your birthday?” She says, “I don’t like to be celebrated.” Bam! That resonated deep within me. But is it true? No, not at all. But what I’m trying to figure out is if it’s an insecurity or a personality trait of mine or perhaps thoughts related to a negative experience from my childhood that I just need to overcome. If my ego wants to have a say in the matter, it’ll deny any insecurity and continue playing the tough girl role, but I’m trying to really get down to the bottom of this sentiment.
You see, birthday’s deal with me being the center of attention, in the spotlight, all eyes on me. That day is all about me, me, me, me. It’s my day and as a woman, well, I’ve heard the message plenty of times that it’s not suppose to be all about me; I’m suppose to be concerned with others, what they think of me, how they see me, feel around me, be nice when others aren’t so nice. I’m definitely thinking that growing up in a religion my parents chose for me which didn’t allow us to celebrate birthdays plays a role. I couldn’t even tell you what the reasoning was behind that form of deprivation, because even at 7 years old when we first converted, my little girl mind couldn’t understand how God would be pleased with me if I ignored the day I was born, the day I came into this world to share my gifts. News flash! I’m not in that religion anymore nor religious for that matter. Can you blame me?! I’m not into playing that game of my god against your god, my god is better than your god. What I learned is true is this: Religion divides / Spirituality unites. I’d rather be united.
Let me tell you about this one time when I was 8 years old and my family was the newbie family to Chicago. I had a friend, Diana down the street who was going to have an afterschool birthday cake in her honor. Nothing major, real nonchalant and low key the celebration. I wanted to go! Why? Because she was my friend and I was invited! So I braved the potential rejection and asked my mother if I could attend and sure as night and day, she said, “You know we don’t celebrate birthdays because it’s against our religion.” I was persistent and thought of a compromise to see if I could get what I wanted and said, “Oh mom, please please can I go? I promise I won’t sing Happy Birthday to her!” Cleverly, I thought, if I could convince my mom that I was being obedient to God by not truly participating, but still being there, I wasn’t sinning.
Tell me you’re mouth is gaping wide open from the shock of such a crazy story! It still boggles my mind how people can think they’re doing right by their kids and what they’re really doing is teaching them to withdraw from life, because there’s another world post-death that we should prepare for. Forget living in this world right now! That IS what happened to me a lot- I withdraw from life, because I wasn’t enough of a fighter, because girls aren’t encouraged to fight. Or they’re not suppose to, right? For the record, my mother and father aren’t in that religion any longer and those experiences are the butt of all my family jokes. Vengeance is mine! My mother regrets what she calls her naivete combined with her desire to save her children from the perils of hell (my translation: from the joys of truly living).
Anyway, I’m all over the place mentally these days and can’t process all of what’s floating around in my head, but I can say that this life coaching experience is the beginning to so much more for me. It’s going to really get me past some weird stuff that’s been causing me to hold back all these years, I’ve already taken on three new challenges and the whole purpose is to really know and therefore act on the power that lives within me. FYI: This was suppose to be a little snippet of my experience thus far, but it looks like there’s a storm of change brewing and I couldn’t stop typing! It’s all good.
CHALLENGE and CHANGE go hand in hand. What are some of the challenges you’re facing? What actions are you taking to overcome them?
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