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A Convivial Sense of Security
A man walks into the doctor’s office carrying his daughter who was about ten years old and took a seat next to me. Glancing over at the young girl in his arms, I saw scraped knees and additional bruising and cuts on her knuckles and imagined a pretty good fall had occurred. After seeing her wounds, I met eyes with the girl and saw her bruised spirit as tears began to well up in her eyes. Her eyes communicated a girl who was hurt, vulnerable and fragile. And now, here she was cradled in her Daddy’s strong arms. It seemed all was going to be just fine.
I wondered what that did for her soul, for the future woman in her.
Instantly, I was transported back to a rare moment when I found myself in my own father’s embrace. I was about four years old and attending a church service for a family friend’s brother who had passed away. I had fallen asleep and my father picked me up to carry me out of the church. I remember waking up to see our friend’s son looking up at me. I pretended I was still asleep and rested my head back on my father’s shoulder.
I recall the feeling of security I got in my Dad’s arms. I felt protected, cared for. The memory makes me realize how important it is for a young girl to experience a father’s love and the security that comes with that love. Nothing is perfect, but there is a dynamic between father and daughter that sets the tone for how a girl may feel about herself and conduct herself in relationships with men later on in life. Many girls nowadays are growing up without the experience of a father’s love and it is my conclusion that this is a key factor as to why many women are giving away so much of their power in male/female relationships.
We have so much value and power yet so many of us women don’t realize it.
And when we do know, there are moments when we can forget. When that happens, it shows in our behavior, in our relationships, in our appearance, in our homes, in our families, in the decisions we make and most importantly, the decisions we don’t make. It shows in the ways we look for love.
In January 2008, I had the pleasure and privilege of meeting Michael J. Lockwood, author of the book Women Have All The Power, Too Bad They Don’t Know It, and I want to share something he said that stayed with me after our meeting:
Women are a prize to be won.
It’s one thing to say it, and hear it, but how many of us believe it? Demonstrate it in our actions? In the way we teach people to treat us? To value our wants? Our time? In order to be the change you wish to see in your world…it starts with believing you are a prize and finding security in that belief.
But it doesn’t end there. You must then go out and…
Live according to that belief,
The Order of Love
“If I love myself, I love you. If I love you, I love myself.” – Rumi
In hearing Rumi state this in his poetry, I immediately think of the order in which it was written:
I…love…myself…I…love…you.
I…Myself…You.
There’s no other image reflecting in the mirror but the one of you, therefore the reflection is all yours to consider. Put yourself first and all falls into place. If you love yourself, do for yourself, take care of yourself, live for yourself, then you automatically offer the benefits reaped to the next person, to the world.
Recently, I was chatting with a friend and mentioned I would soon be heading out for a girl’s night out. She later said in conversation,”You know, I wish I could do that,” and confided in me about her desire to have more time for herself, to express herself, time for friends, for new experiences, for joy, all on her own. This sentiment is nothing unique to her. Many people go through this and it all boils down to a personal choice. What you decide you can and want to do in your life is your choice and no one else’s. It’s your call to let someone else make you believe you don’t have a choice in the matter, that you are powerless and must be granted permission to live. No one hinders you from your own joy except yourself. We struggle to please others, to remain obedient and not rock the boat when the opposite is far from disobedience but rather simple pleasures we all deserve to have, to experience, to gather and store in our heart’s memory for later recollection. Is there such a thing as selfish love? Love is pure and true, so when you are simply seeking to be pure and true to yourself, an endeavor that requires your time, energy and attention, what harm does it bring to others or to you? It doesn’t. Ever.
How often do you allow others to impose guilt on you, thus negatively affecting your plans for living? Why do you permit such feelings to permeate your spirit, to grip your anxious wings and hold you down from naturally taking flight? The reasons and excuses aren’t good enough. You deserve to be happy, to be free, to be you, to savor the joys of life, to have friends, to laugh and be carefree, to feel the sense of what it means to be supported and loved. Schedule time for yourself and defend your need for it. There’s nothing to explain, nothing to feel bad about. You were born free-thinking, a free-spirit, and that won’t change. You are free to be whoever you were born to be. Get out of your own way and others will, too.
Experience joy and without effort, you will spread it. The effects of self-love are of epidemic proportions.
To enjoy the full poem read by Demi Moore, click here Rumi – Desire – Demi
TweetBring Sexy & Dignified Back
Are you aware of your own sexuality, your sexual energy? I think that’s HUGE. That plays the role of knowing how to flirt, how to hit the brakes on a guy who always has his foot on the gas, how to decipher and manage friendships with men, how to put yourself first. Do you preserve the best of you for you alone? Are you selective with who you allow to get close to you, touch you, and see the beauty that is your body? What are your thoughts concerning yourself when it comes to how men see you, how you see men, and how does that affect your demeanor when in a man’s presence? How about a man you desire? I believe a dramatic shift needs to occur among men and women; the way men treat women, the way women let them, teach them to treat them. My ultimate desire is to see more women be bold, project strength, act with dignity and demand respect not by literally demanding it, but by carrying themselves in ways that will indirectly attract it. We all have our weaknesses and it’s a matter of confronting our fears, our weaknesses, and getting the practice we need to turn them into what makes us stronger individuals…women. My hope is to see a reincarnation of the dignified woman. She’s in me, in you, in every one of us.
TweetCan You Say Vagina?
How do you feel about your private part? You know…that place “down there.” Is it easy for you to let the word “vagina” slide off your tongue? How close are you to the most intimate part of your femininity?
I was watching a film recently, V-DAY Until The Violence Stops, which was about the movement against violence against women that evolved as a result of the successes of Eve Ensler’s solo hit off-broadway show, The Vagina Monologues. I wish I could have gone to a show, but at best, I was able to listen to the monologues by audio book while driving my car around Dallas. Occasionally honking at rude drivers while listening to women imitating orgasmic sounds and talking about all the many ways they’d heard their vagina called: coochie, puff taco, chocha, etc. I’m sure you can fill in many more blanks, too.
I watched V-DAY and found myself very emotional and crying occasionally as I heard the stories of women from all over the world experiencing physical, sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse- the most damaging one of all, according to film participant, Salma Hayek. I felt their pain. I felt extremely sad, because women are such beautiful, fragile, and strong creatures, yet that fragility is taken advantage of by many. It’s important to talk about what hurts us, and that is what these women in the video were doing and it touched me. Here is a trailer of the film, V-Day Until the Violence Stops, but if you feel motivated to watch the whole film, do it! There are so many strong women among us needing love and support just as we need it ourselves. Respect and love your vagina, because it is the essence of your womanhood. No one can do anything to you that you don’t allow.
TweetThe Assertive Woman
As of Thursday evening, I reached a certain point on my life’s journey that has proved to be the right path taken. Right now, I can see myself standing on a cliff overlooking the promise land (Convivial Land) of true strength, fearlessness, and total confidence. I attended The Assertive Woman workshop conducted by Sherry Bronson of The Bronson Institute on Thursday and can say that its effects have proven immediate for me. Before I get into what I got out of it, let me just tell you how hard it seemed to get to the class (read: reach my goal/destination).
I almost didn’t make it there! I almost gave up! I almost gave in to my anger and frustration because of all of the small obstacles that were in my way as I attempted to get there. Life was certainly testing the depth of my commitment. Now, about the class…in order to be a confident, assertive woman, you must have these four things down: Self-Love, Self-Respect, Self-Worth, and Self-Image. Undoubtedly, I can say that I have three of the four down. The one that caught my eye and I feel needs work is Self-image. Now, that usually applies to how you feel about your body, everything on the outside, but I related it to my idea of what a woman’s self-image should be…at least, the messages that we have received in society about how women should behave kindly, docile, gentle, non-confrontational, etc., and what I’ve been in conflict about is trying to aspire to have that self-image of kindness yet be strong, firm, and in control of my life.
There have been various experiences in my adolescent years that have contributed to me feeling intimidated to stand up for myself, to speak my truth, but it is finally clicking within me that I do not need to remain intimidated, that I do have the power to be who I really am, in every instance, every circumstance, and with every person. With a conscious change in my perception, I was able to apply my new knowledge of being assertive the very next day. Instead of avoiding scenarios that required assertiveness, I can simply look at them as life presenting me the opportunities to overcome my weaknesses, to face my fears, and to take advantage of situations to practice a different behavior, a more empowering behavior. I am motivated about this new path that I am on. I am already changing and am so excited about this change, because it is a guarantee that I am returning to my origins, I am getting closer to being the woman I already am.
TweetGo Within
When things get busy, mentally crowded or loud around you, take that time to reflect and make sure you are taking care of you and then all that’s pending on your to-do list. Staying busy is not productive; it’s noisy. Get away from it all even if you don’t physically leave your space. The mind is your transporter. When you don’t see or hear from me on occasion, you’ll know I’m off tempting the muse…
Maybe we can meet there sometime…it’s a pretty peaceful and convivial place.
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