Women

A Convivial Sense of Security

A man walks into the doctor’s office carrying his daughter who was about ten years old and took a seat next to me. Glancing over at the young girl in his arms, I saw scraped knees and additional bruising and cuts on her knuckles and imagined a pretty good fall had occurred. After seeing her wounds, I met eyes with the girl and saw her bruised spirit as tears began to well up in her eyes. Her eyes communicated a girl who was hurt, vulnerable and fragile. And now, here she was cradled in her Daddy’s strong arms. It seemed all was going to be just fine.

I wondered what that did for her soul, for the future woman in her.

Instantly, I was transported back to a rare moment when I found myself in my own father’s embrace. I was about four years old and attending a church service for a family friend’s brother who had passed away. I had fallen asleep and my father picked me up to carry me out of the church. I remember waking up to see our friend’s son looking up at me. I pretended I was still asleep and rested my head back on my father’s shoulder.

I recall the feeling of security I got in my Dad’s arms. I felt protected, cared for. The memory makes me realize how important it is for a young girl to experience a father’s love and the security that comes with that love. Nothing is perfect, but there is a dynamic between father and daughter that sets the tone for how a girl may feel about herself and conduct herself in relationships with men later on in life. Many girls nowadays are growing up without the experience of a father’s love and it is my conclusion that this is a key factor as to why many women are giving away so much of their power in male/female relationships.

We have so much value and power yet so many of us women don’t realize it.

And when we do know, there are moments when we can forget. When that happens, it shows in our behavior, in our relationships, in our appearance, in our homes, in our families, in the decisions we make and most importantly, the decisions we don’t make. It shows in the ways we look for love.

In January 2008, I had the pleasure and privilege of meeting Michael J. Lockwood, author of the book Women Have All The Power, Too Bad They Don’t Know It, and I want to share something he said that stayed with me after our meeting:

Women are a prize to be won.

It’s one thing to say it, and hear it, but how many of us believe it? Demonstrate it in our actions? In the way we teach people to treat us? To value our wants? Our time? In order to be the change you wish to see in your world…it starts with believing you are a prize and finding security in that belief.

But it doesn’t end there. You must then go out and…

Live according to that belief,

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Who’s behind that mirror?

Confusing someone else’s insecurities for your own is easy to get caught doing. Keep the mirror on your own image at all times. When you doubt yourself, ask yourself! Asking the opinions of others is good to do, but not when it concerns your own feelings and desires about yourself. Be honest with yourself and give yourself the first chance to have a say in how your life plays out. Others will have their opinions and you can ask for their feedback, but beware (read: be aware!) that they are offering insight based on their own concerns and experiences in life. Trust your own intuition. Take your own advice and THEN get some!

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Life…An Every Day Celebration

One of many songs I can relate to and one that inspires me to be true to who I am.
It depicts a convivial spirit and strength to live by…

ONE TRICK PONY – Nelly Furtado

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The Order of Love

“If I love myself, I love you. If I love you, I love myself.” – Rumi

In hearing Rumi state this in his poetry, I immediately think of the order in which it was written:

I…love…myself…I…love…you.

I…Myself…You.

There’s no other image reflecting in the mirror but the one of you, therefore the reflection is all yours to consider. Put yourself first and all falls into place. If you love yourself, do for yourself, take care of yourself, live for yourself, then you automatically offer the benefits reaped to the next person, to the world.

Recently, I was chatting with a friend and mentioned I would soon be heading out for a girl’s night out. She later said in conversation,”You know, I wish I could do that,” and confided in me about her desire to have more time for herself, to express herself, time for friends, for new experiences, for joy, all on her own. This sentiment is nothing unique to her. Many people go through this and it all boils down to a personal choice. What you decide you can and want to do in your life is your choice and no one else’s. It’s your call to let someone else make you believe you don’t have a choice in the matter, that you are powerless and must be granted permission to live. No one hinders you from your own joy except yourself. We struggle to please others, to remain obedient and not rock the boat when the opposite is far from disobedience but rather simple pleasures we all deserve to have, to experience, to gather and store in our heart’s memory for later recollection. Is there such a thing as selfish love? Love is pure and true, so when you are simply seeking to be pure and true to yourself, an endeavor that requires your time, energy and attention, what harm does it bring to others or to you? It doesn’t. Ever.

How often do you allow others to impose guilt on you, thus negatively affecting your plans for living? Why do you permit such feelings to permeate your spirit, to grip your anxious wings and hold you down from naturally taking flight? The reasons and excuses aren’t good enough. You deserve to be happy, to be free, to be you, to savor the joys of life, to have friends, to laugh and be carefree, to feel the sense of what it means to be supported and loved. Schedule time for yourself and defend your need for it. There’s nothing to explain, nothing to feel bad about. You were born free-thinking, a free-spirit, and that won’t change. You are free to be whoever you were born to be. Get out of your own way and others will, too.

Experience joy and without effort, you will spread it. The effects of self-love are of epidemic proportions.

To enjoy the full poem read by Demi Moore, click here Rumi – Desire – Demi

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You are a Story

…she is a story whether she wants to be or not.
Because she is a woman.
People watch women as if reading them.
They watch them more closely than they do men.
Because they are more interesting.
Women have been the subject of so much objectification because of their intrinsic mystery.

Some of the greatest figures of worship are female:
the virgin mary
mother nature
earth goddesses
madonna…

people study women the way the devout read books; not so much to learn material as to surrender to a word or phrase that captures ones attention. That is how others perceive women. And that is why non-verbal symbols become weapons.

A strength you don’t use turns destructive.

– The Princessa, Harriet Rubin

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Mature Beauty

Mature beauty stems from woman’s sense of personal authority and the richness of her life. The mature erotic woman possesses the quality of inner harmony that communicates a sense that she is at ease with herself. Obviously she cares about her health and good grooming, but she has clearly found a style that suits her. She exhibits a flair for vibrant and sensual colors, and the cut of her clothing compliments her feminine curves, but does not scream, “look at my body parts.” Most importantly, mature erotic women glow from within. It is this luminosity that is so enormously attractive. Crone women who have continued to grow and are following their personal path of power are truly luminous beings of great worth. This is the promise of mature erotic beauty.

–Source unknown

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20 Ways to Boost Your Confidence

While going through my dusty digital attic of email files, I rediscovered this:

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF
20 Ways to Boost Your Confidence

CONFIDENCE … It is sexy, attractive, and alluring to both men and women!

How a person carries and presents himself or herself is a time-tested aphrodisiac. It’s also a quality that both sexes eagerly look for in a long-term partner. Confidence reflects self-acceptance and self-love.

TRUETM Advisory Board member Dr. Ilona Jerabek presents the following tips for building and keeping a high self-esteem. Take these to heart and improve your personal and love life today!

1. Spend some time getting to know yourself.
Use your Advice for Me report from your TRUE Compatibility Test to do some thinking about what makes you “you.” This doesn’t necessarily mean hours of reflection (although some of that is good as well). You can also learn a lot more about who you are by getting out in the world and doing things. Meet people, take up hobbies, volunteer – you’ll discover much about the world and reinforce your own sense of self at the same time. Get involved in your life!

2. Act.
When you’re feeling insecure or doubting your abilities, don’t hide away. Take a deep breath, get out there, and do the very things you’re unsure about … even if you have to start small. If, for example, you want to act in a play, but you’re not sure you can do it, why not sign up for a very small part? You’ll build your confidence.

3. Conquer fear: take risks.
Sometimes life requires a small “leap of faith.” You’ll feel good that you took some risks, even if they don’t always work out as well as you hope. At least you can say you tried!

4. Stand up for yourself.
Low self-esteem often leads to lack of assertiveness; and when we don’t voice what we want and need, we end up feeling worse about who we are. Build your assertiveness skills, and it will get easier in time.

5. Set personal goals.
Decide where you’d like to go, and make a reasonable, yet challenging, plan to get there. Set deadlines and a system of rewards to keep you going. (A goal, by the way, doesn’t have to be a huge life decision, like “become a doctor”. It can be anything you want to have in your life, like “Make one new friend” or “Learn to make jam.”)

6. Learn from – but let go of – mistakes.
Absolutely everyone, no matter how perfect they may seem, messes up from time to time. This is how we learn – like the process of learning to walk as children. If we don’t stumble, we don’t learn how to keep our balance. Keep this in mind as you venture out into the world. Be gentle with yourself.

7. Do things on your own – don’t rely on others to make you feel good.
One potential trap of a shaky self-esteem is dependency on others. The real truth is, if you feel a void inside, no one can fill it but you. While healthy relationships are important for happiness, more important is the relationship we have with ourselves.

8. Don’t compare yourself to others.
You may look at someone and think they have something you don’t, but the fact is they may be looking at you and thinking the very same thing. Someone may be better than you are at tennis, for example, but you can tell a much better joke. Judge yourself by your own standards, for you are unique!

9. Associate with people who affirm who you are.
Do you have toxic relationships with people who criticize you or make you feel small? Take a good look at the people you surround yourself with and how they affect your self-esteem.

10. Learn to say “no.”
You will be surprised how much simpler it is than you think. When you really can’t or don’t want to do something, say so. (In, of course, a polite and non-aggressive manner.)

11. Practice truthfulness.
Avoid white lies. We often fib because we think we are sparing feelings or making things easier, but dishonesty only ends up making us feel bad about ourselves. Don’t present a false face.

12. Practice positive affirmations.
Write down 5 or 10 things you really like about yourself. And next time a negative thought pops into your mind, replace it with something positive.

13. Find things you enjoy.
Whether it’s sewing, drawing, swimming or karate, hobbies are a big self-esteem booster. Even if we are not experts, doing something for the pleasure and challenge builds our sense of who we are.

14. Use visualization techniques.
If you’re anxious or doubtful about your ability to do something (ask your boss for a raise or compete in a marathon, for example), practice visualizing that moment in detail. Imagine yourself pulling it off smoothly. It’ll lower your fear and boost your confidence.

15. Enhance your ability to cope with stress.
It’s not so easy to believe in yourself if you’re stressed out. Develop a repertoire of strategies for calming your spirit and incorporate them into your life as much as possible (like reading a good book, talking to friends, riding a horse or taking a bubble bath).

16. Shun perfectionism.
Interestingly, there is a high correlation between perfectionism and low self-esteem. The more you strive to be perfect, the more frustrated you become when you realize it’s impossible! Be aware of any perfectionist tendencies you have and keep them in check.

17. Make a list of your accomplishments.
Include anything that made you feel good about yourself, without thinking about whether it is technically an “accomplishment” or not. (Your ability to relate to children, your chess talent, the amazing cookies you make, the great short story you wrote.) Refer to it whenever you need a boost.

18. Live in the moment.
The more time you spend dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, the more of the present you are wasting. Life is NOW, and you should get out there and embrace it.

19. Do things for others.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in your own little world and forget that there are people out there who are in need. Give to others (your time, company, whatever you have to share) and you’ll find yourself feeling better about yourself.

20. Take care of yourself physically.
Eat well, get enough sleep, kick nasty habits and get some exercise. Treat your body like it deserves to be treated!

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Broken Heart

I started to listen to Carrie Underwood’s song, Lessons Learned and it made me think about how the only people that have truly broken my heart have been women. I have befriended plenty of women and they have been the one gender I have given my heart and soul to more than men, so there you have the broken heart. Women get into misunderstandings galore and for what? Mostly, I think it’s a matter of unexpressed anger and not our nature. Women are not encouraged to express their feelings when angry. We are known as the nurturing species and have the desire to mend and make better all that is not right. We have the need to talk, to express our feelings, and so when meeting someone, a woman, we look for a connection, a bond, and when we think it’s found or there is potential for one, we open ourselves up. We pour out everything there is inside of us and when heartache occurs, we learn to hold back a little. And if it happens enough, we hold back a lot and offer little to no feeling. But we are a stubborn species too, so we try and trust again, and again and again. Sadly, some women make it to pure bitterness and choose not to make friends with anyone until life sends someone down their path to shake them up a bit, give them a couple of unwanted hugs, some pats on the back, some compliments about how beautiful they look, and they may even just prove to be there when most needed and bitter woman starts to loosen up. Doubt and fear are still key players in the relationship, but without realizing it, they become backups and she begins to warm up to the possibility that hope and love can and do always prevail in relationships. This is life teaching us to stay open, to look for the lessons, to ask for advice when we aren’t sure, to reach out when we feel vulnerable and uncertain about the direction we are going, for whatever signs we need to grow and become stronger. Keep a look out for that woman, or the many women who have your heart, and cherish what they bring to your life. Even if it gets rocky at times, the lessons learned can be precious jewels for you to wear proudly too.

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Bring Sexy & Dignified Back

Are you aware of your own sexuality, your sexual energy? I think that’s HUGE. That plays the role of knowing how to flirt, how to hit the brakes on a guy who always has his foot on the gas, how to decipher and manage friendships with men, how to put yourself first. Do you preserve the best of you for you alone? Are you selective with who you allow to get close to you, touch you, and see the beauty that is your body? What are your thoughts concerning yourself when it comes to how men see you, how you see men, and how does that affect your demeanor when in a man’s presence? How about a man you desire? I believe a dramatic shift needs to occur among men and women; the way men treat women, the way women let them, teach them to treat them. My ultimate desire is to see more women be bold, project strength, act with dignity and demand respect not by literally demanding it, but by carrying themselves in ways that will indirectly attract it. We all have our weaknesses and it’s a matter of confronting our fears, our weaknesses, and getting the practice we need to turn them into what makes us stronger individuals…women. My hope is to see a reincarnation of the dignified woman. She’s in me, in you, in every one of us.

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Can You Say Vagina?

How do you feel about your private part? You know…that place “down there.” Is it easy for you to let the word “vagina” slide off your tongue? How close are you to the most intimate part of your femininity?

I was watching a film recently, V-DAY Until The Violence Stops, which was about the movement against violence against women that evolved as a result of the successes of Eve Ensler’s solo hit off-broadway show, The Vagina Monologues. I wish I could have gone to a show, but at best, I was able to listen to the monologues by audio book while driving my car around Dallas. Occasionally honking at rude drivers while listening to women imitating orgasmic sounds and talking about all the many ways they’d heard their vagina called: coochie, puff taco, chocha, etc. I’m sure you can fill in many more blanks, too.

I watched V-DAY and found myself very emotional and crying occasionally as I heard the stories of women from all over the world experiencing physical, sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse- the most damaging one of all, according to film participant, Salma Hayek. I felt their pain. I felt extremely sad, because women are such beautiful, fragile, and strong creatures, yet that fragility is taken advantage of by many. It’s important to talk about what hurts us, and that is what these women in the video were doing and it touched me. Here is a trailer of the film, V-Day Until the Violence Stops, but if you feel motivated to watch the whole film, do it! There are so many strong women among us needing love and support just as we need it ourselves. Respect and love your vagina, because it is the essence of your womanhood. No one can do anything to you that you don’t allow.

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Stealing Time

Before I became a mother, I still felt the need to be in many places and serve in many roles for many people, but one thing that I know I’ve always had a strong sense to do is to be there for myself, to make time for me, to love myself in such a way as to make time for my wants, my interests, my needs, etc. Fortunately, I learned at a young age that no one else would do it for me.

As a teenager, I began to travel independent of my parents and never felt homesick. I was on my own and loved the feeling of freedom. Not that my home life was so restrictive, but I just felt this need to be out in the world, running away with the caretaker man, what have you. I knew that when I became a wife, that sense of freedom would not change. My husband would respect my need for independence and space to pursue my interests. Life has certainly brought such a man into my life as well as such experiences. Before I became a mother, I knew that my time would become more important. My child would require my time and attention and I would certainly do my best to make the choices necessary to offer as much of it as possible. I think I have done a pretty good job up to this point and am confident I will only get better with more time and experience as a parent. But before my son came into my life, I told myself that my sense of freedom to be me, to continue learning more about myself and the world and my place in it would not stop just because I now had more responsibilities at home and with family. I would take the time needed for myself when the time came. Guess what? The time has come. I am a wife, a mother, and still an individual woman.

Steal some time away for yourself…there are wonders in the world ready to caress your soul. Being a thief isn’t bad, especially if it causes your heart to slow to a calm beat.

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The Assertive Woman

As of Thursday evening, I reached a certain point on my life’s journey that has proved to be the right path taken. Right now, I can see myself standing on a cliff overlooking the promise land (Convivial Land) of true strength, fearlessness, and total confidence. I attended The Assertive Woman workshop conducted by Sherry Bronson of The Bronson Institute on Thursday and can say that its effects have proven immediate for me. Before I get into what I got out of it, let me just tell you how hard it seemed to get to the class (read: reach my goal/destination).

I almost didn’t make it there! I almost gave up! I almost gave in to my anger and frustration because of all of the small obstacles that were in my way as I attempted to get there. Life was certainly testing the depth of my commitment. Now, about the class…in order to be a confident, assertive woman, you must have these four things down: Self-Love, Self-Respect, Self-Worth, and Self-Image. Undoubtedly, I can say that I have three of the four down. The one that caught my eye and I feel needs work is Self-image. Now, that usually applies to how you feel about your body, everything on the outside, but I related it to my idea of what a woman’s self-image should be…at least, the messages that we have received in society about how women should behave kindly, docile, gentle, non-confrontational, etc., and what I’ve been in conflict about is trying to aspire to have that self-image of kindness yet be strong, firm, and in control of my life.

There have been various experiences in my adolescent years that have contributed to me feeling intimidated to stand up for myself, to speak my truth, but it is finally clicking within me that I do not need to remain intimidated, that I do have the power to be who I really am, in every instance, every circumstance, and with every person. With a conscious change in my perception, I was able to apply my new knowledge of being assertive the very next day. Instead of avoiding scenarios that required assertiveness, I can simply look at them as life presenting me the opportunities to overcome my weaknesses, to face my fears, and to take advantage of situations to practice a different behavior, a more empowering behavior. I am motivated about this new path that I am on. I am already changing and am so excited about this change, because it is a guarantee that I am returning to my origins, I am getting closer to being the woman I already am.

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